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So, I went to Jet last night. Yup... Didn't think Brett was going to be able to make it in
time so I asked Ryan, Miranda, and Branden to go with me just in case Dean was
there. Miranda and Branden were being quiet as usual and me and Ryan were
making fools of ourselves. So Brett eventually showed up which was great and
him and Ryan got to meet and we agree on the subject now. lol... Anyways, come
to find out this morning Dean was there too... -sigh-
The bane of my existence. The best and worst thing to ever happen to me. The
person I loved above all and held closer than any blood could bond. And, I have
come to the conclusion that very night, that he is disturbed in the brain and shall
never change. I think it may just be considered that his fetish is literally an
overlapping in the brain and maybe his whole brain is just garbled. I mean because
since our separation... ahahah since he broke up with me time and time again for
deciding to show him the truth and be me again... Ive had more time to hang out
with people and talk with boys and what not, Ive realized the he does have
something of a complex or disturbance in the sexual areas of life. I mean god sex is
important but its the only thing to him when it came to me after so much time. And
once the sex stopped he stopped noticing me. That boy cant even hide the fact that
hes checking out girls breasts or feet wile we are out. He even mentions it! And, it
always bothered me but he'd always raise some excuse as to why it was ok. Like
that I started it first! And, Ive thought back on things and what I would say was
nothing like him. And, even if he doesn't realize it he was working our relationship
into being an open one without even realizing it. And, I was going along for the
ride cause my mind and heart were so twisted and confused. When having sex
with just me became boring. He decided to start pushing on me that I liked girls
and that I wanted girls and slowly that I wanted girls to join us and from that,
because I protested that it was unfair, that a boy should join, then couples were
ultimately concluded upon and he'd talk and talk about anything that was
previously mentioned and the thought of just the two of us was lost. Our big
dream house in New Orleans was turning slowly into a swingers retreat. I mean I
respect the lifestyle if its what you are into but its never what I wanted and will
never be.
So yeah I stepped out. I went and slept with someone. For so many reasons. Like
that maybe Id wake up and realize all those things he was saying were right and
would be good in our relationship, or teat maybe he would be upset and go back
to being the Dean that only wanted me to be his, or maybe even that it would give
me the courage to realize it was time to be me and put my foot down. Granted, he
never slept with anyone. And, the most horrifying thing was that when I told him
what I had done he acted as if it turned him on and encouraged me to do it again.
He even said if I went over I couldn't be hanging out or having a relationship I
could only be having sex. Then asked me to describe it to him and he became
aroused. I wanted to throw up. I was ashamed of what I had done but more
appalled at the reaction. And, that is why I didn't tell him right away.
And, the final atrocities that make me run and hide from the boy I yearn to be with
and wish that still was the one I was dreaming of a future with have come to pass.
Every time I have sex with him since things have happened were attempts to show
him I love him and before I beg him to stay the night and every night afterward. If
he would just do that for me so that I didn't feel alone in my apt cut off from family
an seriously lacking in friends that Id actually want to hang out with without him
saying he disapproved of me being with them and then breaking up with me again.
And, always after the sex wasn't great and I'm feeling blue for betraying a part of
my heart that holds a boy that I know will always love me, he says things to me
that make me want to rip my heart out. Like, "I can't even look at you the same
anymore.", "I get grossed out by all the things you've done.", "I don't have
any feelings for you anymore, like at all.", or "The sex was really bad. It's not the
same anymore, and we shouldn't do it again." And every time my heard feels like
ground meat and I go running thinking I never wish to try with him again. I wake
up from the tears with my head in the toilet bowl and knowing in the back of my
head that its impossible to ever give up on someone I love that much even if he isn't the person I fell in love with.
I wish to the heavens that I don't truly know are there. I just want him to change. I
want him to say hes going to stop being a psychotic pervert and be the awesome
handsome prince who would rescue me from Dullsville in his shinny Camaro. I
mean he has a job now, he is going towards his dream job still, he wants to move
out he says. But, its all too late now. I don't want it to be but I fear it is. I know it is.
Cause really it wasn't the sexual stuff that really bothered me. It's that part of me
falling in love with him was that he was so in control of his life. That he had plans
and he was going to see them through. He had a job, a car, was going to get a house
when he turned 18. Well, he quit that job and didn't have one till the one he just
recently got... yeah sure he did eBay but just enough to keep him on his feet. So
for the majority of our relationship he was jobless. And, I was always trying and
finding places to work till he or my mother stepped in the way of it again. He never
moved out. And, when I finally got kicked out I moved out on my own and instead
of congratulating me he says that it is so easy if I could do it he could. All I
wanted was him to have the initiative that wile we were together he'd get a job and
live with me. Instead I ended up in a melancholy state at his parents house with him.
He wanted me to stay cause he wouldn't have to worry about the bills on our own
but wanted me to leave cause of all the pressure he was put under by his parents
once I moved in.
And he doesn't realize. That I haven't got family really. None that really know who I
am or what I need and want as a person. They all just know the daughter,
grandchild, or niece they want to see and protect. He was the closest person I had
ever had in my whole life. And yet, I realize now he didn't even know me. The Kat I
was to him was shaped by him He even admits how manipulative he was. I was
happy though. And, I would have been fine with staying in that happy oblivious state
for the rest of my life. But, instead I ran into a brick wall and woke up. The Kat he
sees now is strong. She is who she is and wont change to please a boy. I state
what I feel and that I disapprove of certain actions. I admit what I have done wrong
and state exactly what I think is fair and unfair retaliation. And believe me, I am
very fair. I feel like I owe him so much and he can just hold shit over my head but
then I realize that he got me into that situation. So that I could never stop talking
to him cause there would always be something I owed him because he, "Is always
there for me." Bullshit he is always there for me! Now that Ive seen other
relationships with open eyes and have actually met someone who truly is always
there for me I know what being there for someone is. It's not dropping cash then
expecting the person to bow down to you and put their life on hold. It's holding a
person when they cry and not getting angry for what they are crying about. Its
holding true to your promises and admitting guilt without pointing out the others
flaws and getting defensive. Ive matured as a person and he is still a child.
I admit that I am wrong. That I have hurt him. I admit that things I have said and
done were completely uncalled for and that I should have just been more
controlled. But, I felt like it was futile after vainly saying please it bothers me don't
talk about that don't say those things to me! And, even yelling at times. He never
changed. So I changed to be what he would never cease to bring up.
I will always love him. Even if the him that I loved never existed as I see now he
very well could never have. Staring at the lead singer of the opening band
last night. Noticing that his arms and slender hands looked so much like Deans. A
rush of blood came to my cheeks and tears fought their way out of my eyes. All I
wanted at that very moment was to spot him in the crowd and run to him an have
him be the Dean I always dreamed of. Then I look at my guard that I had beside me
and instead decide to let the thoughts slip from my head and the melancholy of that I have to live the rest of my life without him sets in again.
time so I asked Ryan, Miranda, and Branden to go with me just in case Dean was
there. Miranda and Branden were being quiet as usual and me and Ryan were
making fools of ourselves. So Brett eventually showed up which was great and
him and Ryan got to meet and we agree on the subject now. lol... Anyways, come
to find out this morning Dean was there too... -sigh-
The bane of my existence. The best and worst thing to ever happen to me. The
person I loved above all and held closer than any blood could bond. And, I have
come to the conclusion that very night, that he is disturbed in the brain and shall
never change. I think it may just be considered that his fetish is literally an
overlapping in the brain and maybe his whole brain is just garbled. I mean because
since our separation... ahahah since he broke up with me time and time again for
deciding to show him the truth and be me again... Ive had more time to hang out
with people and talk with boys and what not, Ive realized the he does have
something of a complex or disturbance in the sexual areas of life. I mean god sex is
important but its the only thing to him when it came to me after so much time. And
once the sex stopped he stopped noticing me. That boy cant even hide the fact that
hes checking out girls breasts or feet wile we are out. He even mentions it! And, it
always bothered me but he'd always raise some excuse as to why it was ok. Like
that I started it first! And, Ive thought back on things and what I would say was
nothing like him. And, even if he doesn't realize it he was working our relationship
into being an open one without even realizing it. And, I was going along for the
ride cause my mind and heart were so twisted and confused. When having sex
with just me became boring. He decided to start pushing on me that I liked girls
and that I wanted girls and slowly that I wanted girls to join us and from that,
because I protested that it was unfair, that a boy should join, then couples were
ultimately concluded upon and he'd talk and talk about anything that was
previously mentioned and the thought of just the two of us was lost. Our big
dream house in New Orleans was turning slowly into a swingers retreat. I mean I
respect the lifestyle if its what you are into but its never what I wanted and will
never be.
So yeah I stepped out. I went and slept with someone. For so many reasons. Like
that maybe Id wake up and realize all those things he was saying were right and
would be good in our relationship, or teat maybe he would be upset and go back
to being the Dean that only wanted me to be his, or maybe even that it would give
me the courage to realize it was time to be me and put my foot down. Granted, he
never slept with anyone. And, the most horrifying thing was that when I told him
what I had done he acted as if it turned him on and encouraged me to do it again.
He even said if I went over I couldn't be hanging out or having a relationship I
could only be having sex. Then asked me to describe it to him and he became
aroused. I wanted to throw up. I was ashamed of what I had done but more
appalled at the reaction. And, that is why I didn't tell him right away.
And, the final atrocities that make me run and hide from the boy I yearn to be with
and wish that still was the one I was dreaming of a future with have come to pass.
Every time I have sex with him since things have happened were attempts to show
him I love him and before I beg him to stay the night and every night afterward. If
he would just do that for me so that I didn't feel alone in my apt cut off from family
an seriously lacking in friends that Id actually want to hang out with without him
saying he disapproved of me being with them and then breaking up with me again.
And, always after the sex wasn't great and I'm feeling blue for betraying a part of
my heart that holds a boy that I know will always love me, he says things to me
that make me want to rip my heart out. Like, "I can't even look at you the same
anymore.", "I get grossed out by all the things you've done.", "I don't have
any feelings for you anymore, like at all.", or "The sex was really bad. It's not the
same anymore, and we shouldn't do it again." And every time my heard feels like
ground meat and I go running thinking I never wish to try with him again. I wake
up from the tears with my head in the toilet bowl and knowing in the back of my
head that its impossible to ever give up on someone I love that much even if he isn't the person I fell in love with.
I wish to the heavens that I don't truly know are there. I just want him to change. I
want him to say hes going to stop being a psychotic pervert and be the awesome
handsome prince who would rescue me from Dullsville in his shinny Camaro. I
mean he has a job now, he is going towards his dream job still, he wants to move
out he says. But, its all too late now. I don't want it to be but I fear it is. I know it is.
Cause really it wasn't the sexual stuff that really bothered me. It's that part of me
falling in love with him was that he was so in control of his life. That he had plans
and he was going to see them through. He had a job, a car, was going to get a house
when he turned 18. Well, he quit that job and didn't have one till the one he just
recently got... yeah sure he did eBay but just enough to keep him on his feet. So
for the majority of our relationship he was jobless. And, I was always trying and
finding places to work till he or my mother stepped in the way of it again. He never
moved out. And, when I finally got kicked out I moved out on my own and instead
of congratulating me he says that it is so easy if I could do it he could. All I
wanted was him to have the initiative that wile we were together he'd get a job and
live with me. Instead I ended up in a melancholy state at his parents house with him.
He wanted me to stay cause he wouldn't have to worry about the bills on our own
but wanted me to leave cause of all the pressure he was put under by his parents
once I moved in.
And he doesn't realize. That I haven't got family really. None that really know who I
am or what I need and want as a person. They all just know the daughter,
grandchild, or niece they want to see and protect. He was the closest person I had
ever had in my whole life. And yet, I realize now he didn't even know me. The Kat I
was to him was shaped by him He even admits how manipulative he was. I was
happy though. And, I would have been fine with staying in that happy oblivious state
for the rest of my life. But, instead I ran into a brick wall and woke up. The Kat he
sees now is strong. She is who she is and wont change to please a boy. I state
what I feel and that I disapprove of certain actions. I admit what I have done wrong
and state exactly what I think is fair and unfair retaliation. And believe me, I am
very fair. I feel like I owe him so much and he can just hold shit over my head but
then I realize that he got me into that situation. So that I could never stop talking
to him cause there would always be something I owed him because he, "Is always
there for me." Bullshit he is always there for me! Now that Ive seen other
relationships with open eyes and have actually met someone who truly is always
there for me I know what being there for someone is. It's not dropping cash then
expecting the person to bow down to you and put their life on hold. It's holding a
person when they cry and not getting angry for what they are crying about. Its
holding true to your promises and admitting guilt without pointing out the others
flaws and getting defensive. Ive matured as a person and he is still a child.
I admit that I am wrong. That I have hurt him. I admit that things I have said and
done were completely uncalled for and that I should have just been more
controlled. But, I felt like it was futile after vainly saying please it bothers me don't
talk about that don't say those things to me! And, even yelling at times. He never
changed. So I changed to be what he would never cease to bring up.
I will always love him. Even if the him that I loved never existed as I see now he
very well could never have. Staring at the lead singer of the opening band
last night. Noticing that his arms and slender hands looked so much like Deans. A
rush of blood came to my cheeks and tears fought their way out of my eyes. All I
wanted at that very moment was to spot him in the crowd and run to him an have
him be the Dean I always dreamed of. Then I look at my guard that I had beside me
and instead decide to let the thoughts slip from my head and the melancholy of that I have to live the rest of my life without him sets in again.
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